Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
