new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
