That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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