life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
