Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
