Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
