allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
