i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
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Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
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Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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