dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
