It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
