I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
