North Korea, Best Korea!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You have to summon your inner elephant
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
