after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
