Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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