I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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