I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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