life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
