I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
