i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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