I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
