you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
