I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
