making cat noises will not fix the situation.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
