Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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