He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
