I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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