but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
