I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
