the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
