It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
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