made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
