Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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