my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
