My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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