there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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