get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
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