How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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