Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
