Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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