idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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