i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
