My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
