A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
