You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
