I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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