Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
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How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
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Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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