he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
