OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
