I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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