can u get pink eye on your cock?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
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