I can tuck mytits in my pants
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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