Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Two words: nipple clamps
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