I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
