Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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