my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
